i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
