areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
