Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
