I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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