The maid of honor just puked.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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