You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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