I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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