i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Pants are for mortals
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
