she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
