he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
why do cheetos always look like penises
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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