I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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