But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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