I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize