It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
