so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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