my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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