Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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