Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
