BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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