my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize