On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
