i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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