I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
