she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
