Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
