I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
