She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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