Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
