i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
