I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
