so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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