while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
