In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
