I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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