If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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