I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
