My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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