dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
