his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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