the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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