help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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