Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
