my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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