remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
