things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
