Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
