My hand turned me down
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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