I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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