God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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