Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
