Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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