Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
