I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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