I puked a lego.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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