the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
