she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
