If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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