well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
