even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
